For a long time, I wasn’t onboard with the whole self-love thing. One of my sisters-from-another-mister posts a lot on Instagram and Facebook about “loving yourself first” and for years I liked her posts but largely ignored their message because I just didn’t get it. I wasn’t actively taught to love myself growing up and I absolutely don’t fault my parents for that. I wasn’t raised in the era of extreme self-care and self-help and all the other self-nurturing things that we constantly preach nowadays and neither were my parents.
Side Note: Most parents are just doing the best they can with the information they have at any given moment. Some parenting fails are unforgivable, yes, but the majority are simply mistakes made by imperfect humans which is what we all are.
As both a child and a young adult, I thrived on praise from my family, my teachers, my friends and even my employers. In relationships, I relied on the other person to make me feel beautiful, worthy and complete. If the outside world wasn’t providing those reassurances – or worse, if it criticized me – I easily slid into feeling less than. Those feelings of not being enough and needing someone else’s stamp of approval are ones that I want desperately for my children to avoid.
Hendrix and Sadie are 6 and 5 respectively and I already talk to them about being their own best friends. During what they think is just a fun little thing to do, we recite mini mantras like “I love (their own name)” or “I am a good person” or “I am strong”. I tell them that it’s important to love themselves and be proud of who they are. And I try to reinforce the idea that while something they did “was a bad boy/girl thing to do, you are NOT a bad boy/girl” when discussing bad behavior. I want these things to be instilled in them as early as possible – before they take to heart any of the labels the world may attempt to stick on them.
Because I’ve only hopped on the Self-Love Train in recent years, my conversations with Ella, who is 14, started later for her which I feel a lot of #momguilt over. She’s struggled a little with her body image and, instead of having gotten ahead of it early on, I’m trying now to reverse what she already feels. When I feel it’s appropriate – aka when I think she’ll absorb the info with minimal skepticism and an open mind – we talk about being healthy as opposed to thin, speaking highly of herself to herself and the fact that she is, in fact, beautiful and I’m not just saying that because I’m her mom.
If my kids can love themselves and consequently believe in themselves, the possibilities for their success in so many areas of life – education, careers, relationships, families, etc – will be endless. There are a million poor decisions to be made based on not accepting, enjoying and asserting yourself. I know because I’ve made a lot of them (#funnynotfunny) and I want to give my kids the greatest opportunity to choose their lives based on a deep love and respect for the unique and amazing individuals they truly are.
I’ve never been good at reading daily to my kids (we read frequently just not religiously) or narrating my every move aloud like, “Now mommy is chopping up the green broccoli to put into the large silver pot.” But discussing the deep stuff – in the form of both lengthy lectures and quick convos-within-a-convo – is my jam I think. Putting mentally healthy humans into the world is one of my top priorities as a parent. I’m not perfect at it and I’m still learning so much along the way but life lessons like loving themselves are one of the legacies I hope to leave my children and maybe even their children long after my precious time as their mama.
lauren says
Love this post! My girl is only one but I don’t want her to rely on outside validation when she grows up. Your tips on how to avoid that are great
http://www.theemeralddove.co.uk
nickyashleigh says
Thank you Lauren!! It’s so great that you already have that mindset. Definitely something to address early and often. And just checked out your blog – Ava is adorable!! xx
Denyse says
What a wonderful article… self love!!!… something I learned late in life but eventually picked up some lessons and continuing to grow and learn from them. Baby steps help me in my journey and getting to a point in life where I was able to say “Enough!”. I find it hard at times to say “I don’t need your approval/validation” but it is totally possible! I don’t have to be perfect and not everyone needs to accept me… but I need to be ok with that so that I don’t hold myself back from all of the wonderful things this short life has to offer.
nickyashleigh says
Thank you D! It’s most definitely a journey and I 100% agree – the holding back part is major!! I still struggle with that but thinking of it from a “life is short” angle certainly puts things into perspective. Thank you for adding that and for being an amazing example in the kids lives!